Jumping Ahead

So I am suppose to be reading for Intro to Counseling but instead I am here writing this blog. Alas procrastination, we meet again.

So I have discovered something about myself in that I really enjoy planning out my life before it happens. And not just that but before I know all the facts. If something, or someone, seems as though they may be perfect or ideal I run with it. I plan out my entire life around these one or two interactions without actually knowing anything about them. That is not to say that they are negative or wrong but rather that I don’t know enough about them to make any sort of conscious decisions.

The frequently happens to be in 2 ways, the first and foremost being with the opposite sex. I care not mention the number of times I have met a guy and within a week or two of knowing him I have convinced myself that he’s definitely someone I could date, or maybe even marry. Again it’s not to say that these guys are bad or anything. They are all Believers, all love the Lord and are interested in serving the Church, etc. But obviously there needs to be more. God created us to be individuals, meaning that each of us needs and desires something different from the people we are in relationship with, especially within such an intimate relationship as marriage. But alas time and time again I find myself doing the same thing as before, planning out my life with “guy of the moment.” And time and time again I find myself disappointed when it doesn’t work out or the guy turns out to not be who I expect or want him to be.

The second way that this manifests itself in my life is my ministry choices. I appear to jump from ministry opportunity to ministry opportunity, never settling down at one particular one. I remember the year after graduation wanting to be involved in so many ministries and each time I found one that at all interested me I just dove right in and had convinced myself it was the one for me. But again as it is with guys, I don’t know enough about them. I don’t know the role I would play within their work. At times I may not even know where they stand on certain theological issues. But that initial interaction with them is so good and stirs up something in me that I just want to dive in and start running full-force. One of the main reasons that I came to Seminary is so that I could slow down and hone my discerning skills. I came here with a small idea of the type of ministry I want to do after school but mainly with an open heart. I pray that during this process the Lord will reveal to me the ways and the means by which He wants to use me to glorify Him and ministry to the Church.

So I am learning how to better handle my ministry opportunities but I still struggle mightily with the first way. I understand that this is another way in which the Lord wants me to rest in Him but there is still a block in my heart that He’s not getting through. I understand it mentally and I understand that this is bad for me and is detrimental in many ways and yet it still occurs. So I guess my prayer is that I would let go of this one aspect of my life and that I would stop planning out my life before it happens.

Thanks for reading. Have a wonderful day (or evening if you are reading this later)

In Christ,
Jessica

Edit: Caedmon's Call's song "Mistake of My Life" came on my iTunes today and I thought the opening lines were a funny, yet accurate, description of my thought process many times.

I'm in love, never been so sure of anything
Then again, could be a tumor in my brain
Tricking me into thinking that we were meant to be