So I am suppose to be reading for Intro to Counseling but instead I am here writing this blog. Alas procrastination, we meet again.
So I have discovered something about myself in that I really enjoy planning out my life before it happens. And not just that but before I know all the facts. If something, or someone, seems as though they may be perfect or ideal I run with it. I plan out my entire life around these one or two interactions without actually knowing anything about them. That is not to say that they are negative or wrong but rather that I don’t know enough about them to make any sort of conscious decisions.
The frequently happens to be in 2 ways, the first and foremost being with the opposite sex. I care not mention the number of times I have met a guy and within a week or two of knowing him I have convinced myself that he’s definitely someone I could date, or maybe even marry. Again it’s not to say that these guys are bad or anything. They are all Believers, all love the Lord and are interested in serving the Church, etc. But obviously there needs to be more. God created us to be individuals, meaning that each of us needs and desires something different from the people we are in relationship with, especially within such an intimate relationship as marriage. But alas time and time again I find myself doing the same thing as before, planning out my life with “guy of the moment.” And time and time again I find myself disappointed when it doesn’t work out or the guy turns out to not be who I expect or want him to be.
The second way that this manifests itself in my life is my ministry choices. I appear to jump from ministry opportunity to ministry opportunity, never settling down at one particular one. I remember the year after graduation wanting to be involved in so many ministries and each time I found one that at all interested me I just dove right in and had convinced myself it was the one for me. But again as it is with guys, I don’t know enough about them. I don’t know the role I would play within their work. At times I may not even know where they stand on certain theological issues. But that initial interaction with them is so good and stirs up something in me that I just want to dive in and start running full-force. One of the main reasons that I came to Seminary is so that I could slow down and hone my discerning skills. I came here with a small idea of the type of ministry I want to do after school but mainly with an open heart. I pray that during this process the Lord will reveal to me the ways and the means by which He wants to use me to glorify Him and ministry to the Church.
So I am learning how to better handle my ministry opportunities but I still struggle mightily with the first way. I understand that this is another way in which the Lord wants me to rest in Him but there is still a block in my heart that He’s not getting through. I understand it mentally and I understand that this is bad for me and is detrimental in many ways and yet it still occurs. So I guess my prayer is that I would let go of this one aspect of my life and that I would stop planning out my life before it happens.
Thanks for reading. Have a wonderful day (or evening if you are reading this later)
In Christ,
Jessica
Edit: Caedmon's Call's song "Mistake of My Life" came on my iTunes today and I thought the opening lines were a funny, yet accurate, description of my thought process many times.
I'm in love, never been so sure of anything
Then again, could be a tumor in my brain
Tricking me into thinking that we were meant to be
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Saturday, August 29, 2009
1st Week at Covenant
So I have decided to resurrect this blog while I am here at Seminary. Not only so that people can know what is going on here in St Louis, but also just as a way for me to process everything that is going on in my life and what the Lord is doing in it.
I have been in St Louis for 2 weeks now and for the most part it’s been really good. The only misfortune happened only 4 days after I moved. I was on campus when I received a call from the police telling me that mine and 3 other apartments in my complex had been broken into. Needless to say that was pretty stressful and scary but the Lord has really blessed me despite of all of that. The only thing that was taken from my apartment was my digital camera (thus why I have not posted any pics on FB of my new place.) The first couple of nights after the break-in happened were a bit nerve-wracking but the Lord has been giving me comfort and is definitely letting me feel safe while here.
I have met some great people since being here. I am truly blessed in that there are 6 women who are entering into their first year as M.Div students (or as someone told me there are 6 M.Divas.) It’s so great to have other women to walk alongside as we go through this long and arduous process. Being a woman and being MDiv is a rarity here at Covenant, so I am really looking forward to getting to know these women and their ministries.
In my short stint here at Covenant, the Lord has just continually shown me that I am meant to be here. There have been several times when I have questioned why I came here and even started to wonder if I should have gone to a more “prominent” or “well-known” seminary like Trinity. But each time I would doubt, the Lord would show me once more that No, I was meant to be here in St Louis and Covenant. The most surprising, if you will, revelation came in my Intro to Counseling class on Thursday. Intro to Counseling is the one class that going into it I did NOT want to take. It was merely a requirement that I had to get through my 1st Year and then I would be done with it, never to return to it again. I want to study theology and history and languages, not feelings and emotional crap like that I thought. I know, it’s a horrible way to think. I also feared it because it will require me to confront some of the fears and anxieties in my life that I don’t want to. I am a very prideful person, a very private person, and I like keeping my crap to myself. But as class started, Dr Winters read from a letter that a pastor had written to his professors at the seminary he had attended. Though I cannot remember the exact wording of the letter it essentially said “You taught me exegesis and homiletics, Greek and Hebrew, how to prepare sermons, but what do I do with the teenager who comes to me telling me he is considering suicide? You didn’t prepare me for family whose marriage is in shambles because of allegations of adultery” etc.
It was in this moment that I realized once again why I am here at Covenant. Well yes I am hear to learn theology, exegesis, church history, etc I am primarily here to learn how to do ministry and to learn how to minister to people in the mist of life. Here is what I wrote in my notebook after he read the letter: “Life isn’t always about how much theology you know or the exegetical skills you may possess. Life is much more than that- much deeper, much fuller, full of pain and despair. Life happens in the brokenness of this world.” So in the mist of the pain and struggle of this world, we as believers and ministers of the Gospel, need to know how to approach these situations. I pray that Intro to Counseling will begin to show me how to deal with the crappiness of life.
Alright that’s all I have for right now, as I feel like I’ve already rambled enough. I hope to keep up with this more that when I first started this blog a year and a half ago, and hopefully it will be edifying and glorifying to the Lord.
In Christ,
Jessica
I have been in St Louis for 2 weeks now and for the most part it’s been really good. The only misfortune happened only 4 days after I moved. I was on campus when I received a call from the police telling me that mine and 3 other apartments in my complex had been broken into. Needless to say that was pretty stressful and scary but the Lord has really blessed me despite of all of that. The only thing that was taken from my apartment was my digital camera (thus why I have not posted any pics on FB of my new place.) The first couple of nights after the break-in happened were a bit nerve-wracking but the Lord has been giving me comfort and is definitely letting me feel safe while here.
I have met some great people since being here. I am truly blessed in that there are 6 women who are entering into their first year as M.Div students (or as someone told me there are 6 M.Divas.) It’s so great to have other women to walk alongside as we go through this long and arduous process. Being a woman and being MDiv is a rarity here at Covenant, so I am really looking forward to getting to know these women and their ministries.
In my short stint here at Covenant, the Lord has just continually shown me that I am meant to be here. There have been several times when I have questioned why I came here and even started to wonder if I should have gone to a more “prominent” or “well-known” seminary like Trinity. But each time I would doubt, the Lord would show me once more that No, I was meant to be here in St Louis and Covenant. The most surprising, if you will, revelation came in my Intro to Counseling class on Thursday. Intro to Counseling is the one class that going into it I did NOT want to take. It was merely a requirement that I had to get through my 1st Year and then I would be done with it, never to return to it again. I want to study theology and history and languages, not feelings and emotional crap like that I thought. I know, it’s a horrible way to think. I also feared it because it will require me to confront some of the fears and anxieties in my life that I don’t want to. I am a very prideful person, a very private person, and I like keeping my crap to myself. But as class started, Dr Winters read from a letter that a pastor had written to his professors at the seminary he had attended. Though I cannot remember the exact wording of the letter it essentially said “You taught me exegesis and homiletics, Greek and Hebrew, how to prepare sermons, but what do I do with the teenager who comes to me telling me he is considering suicide? You didn’t prepare me for family whose marriage is in shambles because of allegations of adultery” etc.
It was in this moment that I realized once again why I am here at Covenant. Well yes I am hear to learn theology, exegesis, church history, etc I am primarily here to learn how to do ministry and to learn how to minister to people in the mist of life. Here is what I wrote in my notebook after he read the letter: “Life isn’t always about how much theology you know or the exegetical skills you may possess. Life is much more than that- much deeper, much fuller, full of pain and despair. Life happens in the brokenness of this world.” So in the mist of the pain and struggle of this world, we as believers and ministers of the Gospel, need to know how to approach these situations. I pray that Intro to Counseling will begin to show me how to deal with the crappiness of life.
Alright that’s all I have for right now, as I feel like I’ve already rambled enough. I hope to keep up with this more that when I first started this blog a year and a half ago, and hopefully it will be edifying and glorifying to the Lord.
In Christ,
Jessica
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
